A new start

I had a plan when I started this PhD that I would write a lot, outside of my dissertation. Because I was starting research in remote sensing, which I knew nothing about before I came here, I thought this would be a great way to show others how the basics can be learned by anyone despite the discipline feeling intimidating. I was so sure of this plan that I mentioned it to my advisor early on in the process…and it promptly died as the first month turned into the first 6 months and I had written nothing. As it stands, I still technically have not written a single non-conference, non-scholarship, and non-dissertation-related description of anything I’m doing here.

I want to say it’s a shame, but I look back on what’s happened the last 2 years and know that things probably wouldn’t have changed much. One thing I’ve found with writing is that I have to mentally want to do it otherwise it’s not an enjoyable experience. I used to write a lot more, back when I was in a new place and/or I had no car, few social activities and, simply, more time. Here my first year had homework during nights and weekends, and what free time I had before covid was taken up by social events and finishing a paper from my previous internship. Even during covid, I came up with things to do along the way because the last thing I wanted to do was write more about the research I had just spent all day working on. And besides, most of the time I wonder how people on social media catalogue their research so much when with mine it seems things barely change or when they do it’s because of a coding thing (98% of the time). It all seemed futile to me, to force myself to write something that I didn’t think would be worth reading.

But going through some of my short writings from the past 3 years made me miss it. I’m trying to get better at giving myself free time even if I still have tons of questions that could realistically support other PhD research whose answers seem within reach. I should clarify I have a supportive program / advisor who are respectful of my work boundaries (i.e. I won’t do research outside of working hours), so everything else – music, run, volleyball, Frisbee, soccer, watch tv shows, walking at lakes, practice language, seeing friends, etc – is all on me. It’s ironic that the things I lived off in undergrad and prior are the exact things I have to do without in order to allow myself the time to breathe and actually become introspective. When a world of possibilities is open, then I feel too busy to inwardly pay attention even when the act of writing during the “quiet” times, if you will, can be as enjoyable as doing the other stuff during the “active” times. Since leaving the latter two years ago to start this program I have not been able to find it again.

Maybe that’s the hard truth, though, is that life is forcing me to make that balance on my own, instead of actively forcing it upon me as a function of circumstance. I mean, I haven’t fully stopped writing, but the kind of expression I was doing before has definitely slowed. It’s easy to get lost in the mindset of why would anyone read these things thus why should I write them, forgetting that the act of writing is more for me than it is for others. Yet the vulnerability posed by actively sharing the writing itself can be paralyzing sometimes.

So, maybe this is a start for the second half of my time here…or maybe I’ll post this and then nothing for the next 6 months; it’s hard to say. But at least I will try.